space
Back in the good old days, just earlier this year, you might have stood in front of a microphone to say, “Testing. Testing.” Of course, you might be so terrified of standing in front of a crowd and speaking that you have never faced an audience and uttered those words. It doesn’t bother me. But, I still don’t say those two words. I’d rather just tap the microphone.
Back in the really old days, saying “Testing. Testing.” meant that students were taking the Iowa Test of Basic Skills. I don’t know if kids still have to endure those tests. I hated them and I hated Iowa because of them. “Carefully fill in the oval. If you must erase, do it completely because it can’t look like you’ve answered twice.” Did you ever miss a row and answer a whole bunch of ovals in the wrong spot? I did. I still hate those tests. My feelings about Iowa are yet to be determined.
But today, “Testing. Testing.” has a whole new meaning. The whole world has been turned upside-down. Why not this as well? So, on the news, no matter where you turn for fake news or your take on the news, we hear about Covid testing. Now, I have been fairly well isolated in Ohio. I didn’t think I had that nasty little virus in my life. But, you never know. And, these days, you never know what to believe either.
My sister has been impacted by the virus more than me. For part of the year, she lives in Belize. They had to get out of that little Caribbean paradise before the national border closed. The restrictions in Belize made those in Michigan look like a picnic. Since Michigan is her home for part of the year, she was able to personally compare draconian practices. She prefers Michigan. Since I’m from Buckeye Nation, I’m not completely convinced.
She also lives in Alaska for six months of the year. Her home is on the mainland close to where the Aleutian Islands jut into the Bering Strait. It’s home to many Native Americans, as is the rest of the state. And, as it turns out, that populations didn’t hold up well to the Spanish Flu one hundred years ago. So, they don’t mess around with this nasty little virus. Therefore, if you go to Alaska, you have to get tested for Covid.
My sister has been tested multiple times. The first time, she was instructed to self-inflict, I mean . . . self-test. The torturer said to stick this special swab up her nose until it hurt and made her eyes cry. She didn’t tell me how far she actually had to put that thing up her nose. I don’t know how far the possibilities are, but I imagined long swabs that could reach for three inches or more. It truly sounds worse than the Iowa Test of Basic Skills! But, safe in Ohio, away from Belize and Alaska, I had yet to experience, “Testing. Testing.” in this new way.
Until I did.
I finally scheduled a Covid test at a local pharmacy. There was no remote chance of human contact. It was done from a drive-in window and I still had to have a mask on when the sliding door opened.
.........Step 1....Put on rubber gloves.
.........Step 2....Grab one swab from the packet of supplies.
.........Step 3....Prepare yourself because this is the hard one. Insert that little sucker one inch up your left nostril and then turn for fifteen seconds. One inch? I mentally had prepared for three! One inch was a.piece of cake. Okay, twisting for 15 seconds was not the greatest. But, still! One inch!
.........Step 4....Prepare yourself because this is the gross part. Yep, you thought sticking a swab up your nose was hard? You have to stick the same swab up your right nostril for an inch and another swirl. I.was so shocked and disgusted that I had to ask for a repeat of the instructions. But, you read that right. Re-insert and re-swirl. Revolting.
.........Step 5....Put the swab in a vial, drop it off in a pharmacy box, and wipe that box down so it is clean for the next victim.
.........Step 6....Wait for your results and, hopefully, good news. My results came the next day when I was told to expect 5 to 7. Yeah! Negative!
.........Step 7....Reward yourself with a trip to Alaska.
That’s right, I went through all of this to go to the Land of the Midnight Sun, the Great Land, the Last Frontier and the land that checks all travelers from other states at the airport in Anchorage to see about Covid 19. If you have had a test in the past 72 hours, you don’t need retesting, but you have to remain in quarantine until you get the results. Even without the evidence in hand (results hadn’t arrived in my email box yet), I was admitted into the state after giving all the information I usually give to other nations upon arrival. And then, after 7 to 14 days, I have to do this all over again just to make sure I didn’t pick up any nasty viruses along the way to this great, expansive and so beautiful wilderness. Now you know the full meaning of, “Testing. Testing.”
Back in the really old days, saying “Testing. Testing.” meant that students were taking the Iowa Test of Basic Skills. I don’t know if kids still have to endure those tests. I hated them and I hated Iowa because of them. “Carefully fill in the oval. If you must erase, do it completely because it can’t look like you’ve answered twice.” Did you ever miss a row and answer a whole bunch of ovals in the wrong spot? I did. I still hate those tests. My feelings about Iowa are yet to be determined.
But today, “Testing. Testing.” has a whole new meaning. The whole world has been turned upside-down. Why not this as well? So, on the news, no matter where you turn for fake news or your take on the news, we hear about Covid testing. Now, I have been fairly well isolated in Ohio. I didn’t think I had that nasty little virus in my life. But, you never know. And, these days, you never know what to believe either.
My sister has been impacted by the virus more than me. For part of the year, she lives in Belize. They had to get out of that little Caribbean paradise before the national border closed. The restrictions in Belize made those in Michigan look like a picnic. Since Michigan is her home for part of the year, she was able to personally compare draconian practices. She prefers Michigan. Since I’m from Buckeye Nation, I’m not completely convinced.
She also lives in Alaska for six months of the year. Her home is on the mainland close to where the Aleutian Islands jut into the Bering Strait. It’s home to many Native Americans, as is the rest of the state. And, as it turns out, that populations didn’t hold up well to the Spanish Flu one hundred years ago. So, they don’t mess around with this nasty little virus. Therefore, if you go to Alaska, you have to get tested for Covid.
My sister has been tested multiple times. The first time, she was instructed to self-inflict, I mean . . . self-test. The torturer said to stick this special swab up her nose until it hurt and made her eyes cry. She didn’t tell me how far she actually had to put that thing up her nose. I don’t know how far the possibilities are, but I imagined long swabs that could reach for three inches or more. It truly sounds worse than the Iowa Test of Basic Skills! But, safe in Ohio, away from Belize and Alaska, I had yet to experience, “Testing. Testing.” in this new way.
Until I did.
I finally scheduled a Covid test at a local pharmacy. There was no remote chance of human contact. It was done from a drive-in window and I still had to have a mask on when the sliding door opened.
.........Step 1....Put on rubber gloves.
.........Step 2....Grab one swab from the packet of supplies.
.........Step 3....Prepare yourself because this is the hard one. Insert that little sucker one inch up your left nostril and then turn for fifteen seconds. One inch? I mentally had prepared for three! One inch was a.piece of cake. Okay, twisting for 15 seconds was not the greatest. But, still! One inch!
.........Step 4....Prepare yourself because this is the gross part. Yep, you thought sticking a swab up your nose was hard? You have to stick the same swab up your right nostril for an inch and another swirl. I.was so shocked and disgusted that I had to ask for a repeat of the instructions. But, you read that right. Re-insert and re-swirl. Revolting.
.........Step 5....Put the swab in a vial, drop it off in a pharmacy box, and wipe that box down so it is clean for the next victim.
.........Step 6....Wait for your results and, hopefully, good news. My results came the next day when I was told to expect 5 to 7. Yeah! Negative!
.........Step 7....Reward yourself with a trip to Alaska.
That’s right, I went through all of this to go to the Land of the Midnight Sun, the Great Land, the Last Frontier and the land that checks all travelers from other states at the airport in Anchorage to see about Covid 19. If you have had a test in the past 72 hours, you don’t need retesting, but you have to remain in quarantine until you get the results. Even without the evidence in hand (results hadn’t arrived in my email box yet), I was admitted into the state after giving all the information I usually give to other nations upon arrival. And then, after 7 to 14 days, I have to do this all over again just to make sure I didn’t pick up any nasty viruses along the way to this great, expansive and so beautiful wilderness. Now you know the full meaning of, “Testing. Testing.”